Hey [FIRST NAME GOES HERE],
Tension in relationships can be a real day-ruiner if left unchecked. However, it can also be an eye-opener, especially if we know how to go from rupture to repair without it taking forever.
I’m all about saving tears, time, and trust.
Conflict serves as a compass, showing us what needs attention. Whether it serves as a day-ruiner or eye-opener comes down to our ability to pay attention and interpret the signal.
The coffee shop paints a picture of this nicely.
If your order comes out right, all is well, and you’ll leave a happy customer with your coffee needs met.
But if the coffee is bitter, so diluted with cream that it looks like a light 3-week post-vacation tan, or is, god forbid, lukewarm, you might have a bone to pick.
In that case, you ask the barista nicely for a new, optimal coffee guaranteed to perk you up.
If he is understanding of this request—no issue. But if he questions your need for hotter coffee or pushes back on the definition of a “splash of cream,” then we’ve got a problem.
You have an unmet need for the expected perfect cup of coffee. And he’s not seeing, hearing, or understanding the need.
To your credit, you tried to be nice at first.
You asked nicely. But now, you haven’t had coffee, and the caffeine is your irritability buffer in the morning. So maybe you’re accidentally a little bit short when you try to get this need met again.
The barista feels attacked, gets defensive, and you feel ready to snap back. Hello, conflict.
But suddenly, he remembers that caffeine is often a cure for an early morning customer’s irritability. So he responds, “I’m so sorry the coffee isn’t up to par this morning. Let me get you a new one.”
Hearing these words, you instantly relax. Your need is going to be met! You don’t have to fret that you’re on your way to a proposal meeting without your fuel.
He hands you the coffee, you take a sip, and now that the need has been met you realize how short you were in your fear of starting your day with terrible coffee.
With this insight, you acknowledge, “I’m so sorry for being short. Thank you for helping me.”
Ruined day avoided. And since you’ve regained a sense of inner peace with your coffee needs now met, you might even be able to ask yourself if you want to be that attached to caffeine in the first place.
This is a trivial (but highly realistic) example of how conflict unfolds—in micro-moments like these or in more high-stakes situations with people we love most.
Conflict arises when an unmet need goes unnoticed and unexpressed. It’s the result of an unmet need being poorly expressed.
Remembering this definition of conflict opens up a secret portal to decency instead of defensiveness in conversation.
Relationships are made or broken by how well we navigate our needs and the needs of those around us—emotional whiplash not required. When handled with care, conflict leads to greater intimacy because needs are being exposed, expressed, and when met the person can finally exhale.
Want to navigate relationship ruptures with greater ease? This week’s podcast episode is for you.
xx, Alyssa
P.S. Here’s what Irina had to say about this week’s episode, “I listened to the most recent episode – very impactful for me, especially the bit about “unmet need poorly communicated. Just took all the frustration right off like an old scab.”
P.P.S. If you decide you want more help navigating needs and relationship ruptures so you can finally get off the not-so-fun emotional rollercoaster, book a free 20-minute call with me.