Pre-P.S. You’re reading day 13 of my 32 days of insights, inspiration, and instigation. (Very informal title). Get the full scoop here. ✨
Bandaids only work for so long.
Those thin brown strips are magic when you accidentally knick your finger chopping a red onion with your new knife.
But when we use bandaids for too long or for too big of a cut, it ends up in a festering or bloody mess.
We still push it though, trying to see how long the bandaid will last (and hoping it doesn’t fall off in the public pool).
We often use conversational bandaids, too—especially during conflict.
Phrases like:
- “It’s okay,” even though you don’t feel heard
- “I’m sorry,” even though it’s not clear who’s apologizing for what
- “I’m fine,” which is the universal signal of “I’m definitely not fine, but I have my guard up.”
Bandaids might work in the short term, but if we don’t address the underlying need, the wound will fester without air, or the bandaid will fall off (inevitably in the most inconvenient place), and the exposed wound will sting like a mother.
Conflict, like cuts, often happen when we aren’t paying attention.
Conflict most often happens when an unmet need isn’t made mentionable.
Just like the cut on your finger, needs require air.
Conflict resolution skills would have been a much more helpful class in high school than the online tennis course I took to fulfill my fourth-year P.E. credit.
But, to learn the truly essential skills, we’re thrust out into the school of life where our greatest teachers end up being our relationships.
Sometimes, conflict happens because both people are blind to a need, so it’s just lurking under the surface running the show.
Other times, it’s because one person hesitates bringing it out into the open, fearful of what it might mean.
Choosing to suppress your needs is like using a bandaid—eventually, it will get disgustingly saturated, turn black at the edges, and fail to provide any further benefit.
When conflict arises, whether at home, at work, with a friend, or with your neighbor who has the annoying dog down the street, the first place to look is always at the unmet needs.
Do you have one?
Have you shared it?
If you don’t think you have a need right now, then it’s likely the other person does. Asking them about it will start to shift the conversation altogether.
When we stop defaulting to bandaids, we get more than just a quick fix; we heal.
When we handle conflict with care, it can dramatically increase intimacy and connection.
But first, we have to rip off the bandaid.
Make it mentionable,
xx,
A